Dirty Thoughts
by bakestuck
Summary: John's been so bored on this stupid trip through the Yellow Yard. At least there's some relief in his dreams... wait, who's that?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer; I do not own Homestuck! If you want the real Homestuck instead of my silly ramblings, go to mspaintadventures! (Actually, go there anyway.)

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Chapter 1  
John was bored, three years was a long time to spend with no one but your sister and dead grandma. If he really thought about it, technically, Jade was dead too, and he himself had died at one point. Jeez, awful lot of dying going on in Sburb. He had watched a lot of movies, all the movies, actually, all of them many times. Jade was no longer good company, he was still mad at Dave Sprite, and Nanna was an old lady and more than that, an old lady that had been combined with a stupid jester doll. Nanna was nice to talk to and all, but she was still just his grandma.  
John would lie back in bed, on the couch, outside, be it on the lawn or out on the deck of their great vessel and think about the grand adventures that had been had in the game. It made him mad that he couldn't go back to those great times except through the ocassional stupid dream bubble. Those weren't adventures anymore, just used up, twisted and warped memories of a better time, who cared if that had all been in mortal peril? At least it had been kind of exhilerating.  
He thought of Vriska a lot. Vriska would have been one hell of a companion in those adventure-packed days! He could tell just from their textual conversations that that girl was just chock full of fiery spunk. He was jealous of whoever was getting the chance to have a real sit down with her. He wondered a lot if she even remembered most of what they had said. Were the conversations equally important to her? He doubted it. She was way too cool for that...  
On this particular ocassion, John was lying on his bed, the gentle feeling of being propeled billions of miles every minute was lulling him slowly. It had been especially hard to keep Vriska off of his mind today. He fell into the inky depths of sleep swiftly, relieved to have something to temporarily quell his boredom.  
John stretched and woke up, he wasn't in his bed anymore, he was in a dark room, lying on the floor. The only light in the room had no source, but was centered around him. A sound made him look up and there was a figure half hidden in shadow before him, a female figure. As she stepped forward he had a recollection.  
"Vriska?" He tried to bite back his excitement, it couldn't possibly be Vriska.  
She smirked, her painted blue lips parted to expose her sharp little teeth. Something about those pointy pearls stirred something inside of him.  
"Vriska, what are you doing here?"  
She lifted up one hand and he noticed she was holding the handle of something. A basket? A bucket? It was a bucket, a plain, unobtrusive, black bucket.  
"Vriska! What are you doing with that? I thought cleaning products were all secret and dirty to you or something..."  
She took another step forward and he could see how she was dressed, a short, black, spaghetti strap dress, high black-and-white striped stockings and some medium heeled maryjanes. She slipped off the shoes as she stepped closer.  
"Vriska, what are you doing?"  
For some reason, her slow deliberate actions were unbelievably sexy to him, and it was starting to show. She slipped down to sit on his lap, he was still reclined and his blush deepened as he realized she was sitting right on top of his increasingly harder by the second dick. She set the bucket on his chest.  
"Vriska, what are you doing with that bucket?" He kept saying her name over and over, the way it begged to be growled out was intoxicating. His voice was getting huskier every time he spoke. She pushed the bucket, letting it dig deep into his chest. The harder she pushed, the less stable everything around them felt.  
"Oh, shut up, Egbert." Her voice faded away as the bottom bit sharply into his skin.  
"And fill the fucking pail."


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry it took me so long to get this second part up! I was working on how to realistically inform John of something. It's shaky, but I hope you all enjoy it!  
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John Egbert woke up suddenly. He was gasping and panting, what a fucking tease of a dream! Was that really Vriska? The mismatched horns and one eye with six extra pupils, her skin was such an aluring shade of smoke and a light blush of blue had been dusted under her cheeks. He had a faint old memory of seeing her in a dream back when they first left for The Yard, he couldn't remember what she looked like then, but he remembered what this dream Vriska looked like. His hand slipped down his stupid god tier pajama pants, he grasped the base of his freshly teased member and a soft tap resonated from his bedroom door.  
"John?" He heard Jade.  
Ugh, she wouldn't bother him unless it was important, but that was frustrating. He rolled onto his side and bid her entrance to the room. She sat down on the bed, he didn't hear most of what she said, what with trying to tame a raging boner demon, but it was some of her usual space stuff. By the time he could fully pay attention to what she was saying she was getting ready to leave and he felt like an ass.  
"That was really interesting, Jade. We should talk like that more often."  
She had a sort of quizzical smile as she thanked him and left. Shoot, that probably hadn't made any sense in the context of what she said.  
He wasn't in any mood to satisfy himself now, which frustrated him even more. With all the nothing to do on the ship for the last two years, he definitely didn't need messed up dreams screwing with him now. He was curious though, thinking about the weird dream. How did she expect him to fill that bucket, or pail as she had called it? How was filling up a pail sexy, unless... He shuddered a bit, but he wasn't sure from what. Maybe he could find out the real reason the trolls were so squeamish of pails.  
He went downstairs and followed the scent of fresh baked goods into the kitchen.  
"Nana, are you making something?" It was a silly question.  
"Hoo hoo hoo, always, John!"  
John smiled as he passed the threshold of the room. It had taken a while but he was finally happy to gorge himself on the junky treats that Nanasprite made all the time, or at least content. He sat down at the kitchen table and nibble on a warm cookie. He cleared his throat after a while.  
"Nana, do you know where I could find out information about the trolls? Like their culture and stuff? We'll be there to meet them in a year. I don't want to insult them with my silly human misinterpretations."  
Nanasprite opened up the oven and pulled out a huge cake, ready to ice, he'd never figure out how she could make a cake like that in one piece and still have it cook all the way through.  
"Maybe there's something in a library on one of those planets Jade has."  
Nanasprite smiled, setting the cake down on a lazy susan, she spun it and with a wave of her hands the magically fast cooling cake was covered in sugary white and blue fluff.  
"That's actually a good idea, Nana, thanks!" He picked up a few more cookies and slid down off of his seat.  
In the living room there was no sign of Jade, just his beautiful daughter Casey. "Hello, dear, sweet, Casey. You want a cookie? Of course you can! Here you go."  
"Blub blub." Her eyes lit up as she devoured it quickly.  
"I need to find Jade now, Casey. Be back soon."  
"Blub!" She pointed toward the front door.  
John nodded his thanks and headed outside.  
Jade was standing outside watching her planets lazily float in front of her. How convenient! She was surrounded by a few Carapacians and the strange reptiles that sometimes hung out with her.  
"What's up Jade."  
The buck-toothed girl turned and smiled. She was wearing her god tier outfit which was always adorable.  
"Not much, just watching out for what's going on on the planets." Jade was as pleasant as ever and John couldn't help but to jokingly ruffle her fuzzy white ears. She laughed and batted him away. "What do you want?"  
John faked a look of hurt surprise. "Want? I want to spend time with you, dear sister!"  
Upon her skeptical glare he grinned and continued.  
"And to ask if you think there's anything written about the trolls on your planets?"  
She nodded. "Oh, yeah, I've seen lots of weird stuff about them. I mean, not a ton of stuff, but more than you'd think. I'll send you to the library!"  
Before John could thank her or even agree to being transported he was in front of a large white, stone building with ornate bustles and columns. He didn't know where he was but trusted Jade's expertise when it came to weird stuff on the planets. He stepped inside of the massive building, it seemed larger on the inside than the outside, there was a maze of shelves surrounding him.  
"How am I supposed to find anything in here?"  
He wondered around for close to a half hour before he found the front desk. Next to it was the index system for the books. He was almost excited until he realized that the names of weird alien authors wouldn't do him any good. He searched through the catalog drawers for an hour or more before giving up with only three books with 'Alternia' or 'Troll' in the name.  
The first one sounded the most promising and was closest to him. Bound in questionable looking animal hide was the massive tome titled 'The Most Inclusive and Informative Collection of the Various Alterian Historical Events Happening in the First Several Thousand Years...' it rambled like that acros the entire cover for a while and ended with 'Vol. 1'. John shook his head in disbelief that trolls could tolerate such long winded names for things but took the book and sat down. It made a soft thud as he set it on the table.  
When he opened the book he saw that there was no index, it was an old book, and the table of content had no mention of pails. He decided to look in the 'Quadrants' section because she had pretty obviously been coming on to him. That section was several hundred pages long and by the time he had gotten to a page titled 'Imperial Drones and the Mother Grub' he had almost lost hope that he might ever find the information he sought. Imperial Drones came to a troll's house with two Filial Pails, one for the troll to fill with their matesprit, one to fill with their kismesis, if they were not able to fill the pail, they were slaughtered on the spot. All the passage said about how to fill the pail was that both parties used 'genetic material' to fill them. He guessed that's why the trolls who didn't comply were killed, because blood is a genetic material, right? So what did Vriska want him to do with the pail?  
The same thought that had brought a sick beat to his heart earlier returned, this time bringing a flush to his face. Why would she need his genetic material? It's not like trolls and humans could make babies. Not naturally, maybe with the ectobiology equipment. What's sexy about weird alien science? Besides he was too young to be worrying about making anymore babies than was absolutely necessary for his quest.  
More confused than when he started, John went outside, prepared to wait for Jade to notice that he wasn't busy anymore, but as soon as he started out the library door he was back in front of her.  
"Did you find what you were looking for, John?" Jade tilted her head with her usual, legitimately interested smile. John scratched the back of his head and grinned wide, trying to hold back his blushing.  
"Kinda, trolls sure are interesting."  
Jade grinned toothily.  
"They really are! I'll see you later, John!"  
She poofed away like she sometimes did and John went back into the house. He sat on the couch and started sorting through the new information he had gathered. Was Vriska pulling a prank on him with the pail stuff, or was he just having weird dreams that he was pretending were real? How did he know pails were sexual then? That was simple, Vriska's additude toward them was obviously more than just simple taboo in their Pesterchum chats. Jegus, why did he go out of his way to research something in a stupid dream?! He silently fumed and put ConAir into the DVD player, even though it was awful and he hated the stupid movie now.  
He had barely sat back down before he found himself in that same dark room. From off to his left a black bucket rolled in a lazy arc towards him. It softly came to a stop against his leg and he turned to see who had set it on its course. Vriska was crouched about 6 inched behind him and to the side. John jumped a little and scurried back a bit, but he was leaving the circle of sourceless light so he had to go back to flee the cold darkness surrounding them.  
"What is with the buckets thing? It's not like we can have babies, and babies are not sexy! What the hell, Vriska!"  
Vriska rolled her eyes and stood up.  
"It wasn't supposed to be literal. You stupid humans use sex to reproduce so I was being ironic."  
John gave her an incredulous look.  
"I'm pretty sure that's not irony, that's just a little bit gross."  
The lithe troll girl pursed her lips in a sultry scowl. "Shut up, John."  
He tried to apologize but got distracted by the subtle way her hips swayed as she walked away from him.  
"It was kind of ironic." His voice came out a little gravelly and he blushed darkly as she turned and gave him a look that was victorious and satisfied.  
She came back slowly, moving more deliberately this time, she pushed him down onto his back. All of John's surroundings pulsed at her touch but as she straddled him everything settled back down.  
"Thank you, John." She purred as she leaned towards him.  
Vriska left a gentle kiss on his lips and John felt like he was fluttering out of existance again. It was very unsettling. She smirked as she lowered herself to lightly rest on the crotch of his stupid god tier pajama pants, causing him to gasp from the pressure and also the uncomfortable fluctuation.  
"I don't know what's going on. This dream is so fucked-" He was cut off bit a sharp nibble on his lower lip and everything faded out.

So? Yes? No? Keep going? I will anyway, but what do you think?


	3. Chapter 3

People like it :3

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John woke up on the couch with the credits for ConAir scrolling up the screen. He let out a frustrated growl and then noticed the wet spot on the front of his pants.  
"Oh come on!" He slapped the couch cushions in exasperation and let out a deep sigh. "I wanted to wear my ectobiology lab coat anyway."  
As he changed into the lime colored science attire his thoughts returned to the strange dreams. He was thoroughly convinced now that his mind was fucking with him, he didn't know why but this was getting ridiculous.  
"I'm just not going to sleep anymore." The blue eyed boy said with determination and nodded at his reflection in the bathroom mirror as he passed it, for extra emphasis.  
Over the next few days, John stayed awake. He was having a hard go of it, as if the boat ride wasn't lulling enough, now there were occassions that he literally felt like someone was trying to smother him with a sleep drenched pillow. Fighting it off got more difficult with the passing hours. On the third night that he planned to watch movies through, Nanasprite called him into the kitchen.  
"Hoo hoo, are you hungry, John?"  
The grandson shrugged. "I guess a little."  
The ghostly old lady smiled and indicated a plate with a sandwich and a glass of milk next to it. John ate the tasty turkey sandwich happily and was halfway through the milk when he stopped suddenly. It was warm milk. As the L-Tryptophan made lazy circles through his gut and the warm milk made his eyelids full and heavy, John Egbert looked at his prototyped grandmother with unsqueltered betrayal.  
"Nana, why?" He yawned loudly.  
"You need your sleep, dear."  
John felt that heavy pillow feeling over his face again, but this time he was in no condition to fight it off, and so the blackness overtook him.  
When his eyes opened, there stood Vriska Serket in all her radiant anger. Her hands were on her hips, her foot was tapping, she wasn't dressed sexy this time, just in her god tier outfit.  
"What were you doing, Egderp? I've been trying to get a hold of you for days!"  
Even in his sleep, John was pretty exhausted.  
"W-wha? Trying to get a hold of me? What do you mean?" His eyes squinched up in sleepy confusion.  
Vriska smirked.  
"Do you remember that time I made you go to sleep? I thought that was my only power over you humans, but I figured out that I can sneak into your dreams once I knock you out." She crouched down in front of him and stared at him hungrily. It was sexy but those fangs and her spider eye also made it pretty scary. The spike in adreneline was invigorating.  
"Sorry, I missed you then."  
The blue-blooded troll smiled.  
"That's okay, John. You're here now." She was making circles around him, like he was being interrigated, or hunted. He gulped nervously and gazed at the mild curves that swept over her as she passed.  
"John?!"  
The voice was echo-y and displaced. Was that Jade's voice?  
"Oh gosh, John!"  
The boy stared around, confused.  
Vriska let out a frightening growl.  
"No, dammit."  
John started to get the feeling that he was being shaken, but his surroundings were stationary. He was getting sick to his stomach.  
"Just go." Vriska shoved him in disgust and everything but the shaking faded.  
When he opened his eyes, Jade was kneeling next to him.  
"Oh, John, you are okay! What happened?"  
John rubbed his groggy eyes.  
"I was asleep. Nana gave me a turkey sandwich and warm milk and I just passed out."  
The green eyed girl looked at him in disbelief. Who even does that? Just passes out cold on the floor?  
"Well, I'm glad you're okay." She stood up and dusted off the back of her skirt. "Why don't you go to bed though?" She smiled as she left the room.  
John nodded at nothing. If the Vriska in his dream was telling the truth, then going to bed was exactly what he wanted to do!


	4. Chapter 4

So much feedback! Thank you, guys!

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As the next week passed, John got more and more angry. If he wasn't making himself sleep for hours on end, he was in the shower, reminiscing Vriska in all her blue-blushed fury. No matter how long he slept or how deeply, Vriska did not return for those seven days and nights.

On that eighth day, John Egbert sat in the living room one arm draped around Casey in a fatherly embrace the other hand occupied with his PDA and his silent pesterchum window. He sighed and rested his head ontop of his salamander daughter's. He was so absorbed in his wallowing that he didn't even notice Jade walking into the room until she perched on the couch right next to him. He looked up at his dog-eared sister with dull eyes. She returned the look with one of concern.

"John, are you alright?"

The blue eyed boy shrugged and burried his nose in the leathery wet skin of his amphibian protege.

"John." Jade cupped his cheek delicately in her hand. "You're sleeping so much lately and before that it was like you couldn't sleep. Are you depressed? You can talk to me, John."

John couldn't help but smile at the genuine worry he had caused, not that he enjoyed her being upset, it was just nice to know that he was so cared about.

"To be honest, sis, maybe a little. It's a long boat ride and there's not much to do, maybe we can play that awful Ghostbusters game this afternoon. Thanks for checking on me."

Jade smiled and hugged him tight. "I just worry about you."

After playing the MMO with Jade and the reptiles, John was feeling a lot better. He still wanted to see Vriska, but it was a nice reminder that looking at a sexy alien wasn't the end all and be all of his experience across the Yellow Yard. It was getting late, at least it felt late, he really hadn't examined a clock in a long time. As he laid down on the bed, he didn't even noticed how oddly familiar the way his fatigue enveloped him this time, so unlike the previous few days.

And then there she was, in dark jeans and a dark long sleeve button down laying open. She smiled and rested her cheek on one hand as she sat criss cross before him.

"Hi, John." The smile on her face was so sweet, John was a bit bewildered.

"Uh, hi. You seem really happy."

Vriska nodded and started to crawl towards him. When she moved to posing on all fours, he realized that the dress shirt was the only covering on her upper half. Egbert stared at the exposed torso in mild fascination. The skin was unmarked, no belly button, no nipples. When he thought about it, it made sense; belly buttons are scars from being connected to a mammalian mother, which trolls didn't do and nipples were for feeding mammalian offspring, another thing that wouldn't happen on Alternia. His train of thought couldn't explain why she still had breasts, but he wasn't complaining.

"I am happy, John." She stopped and sat next to his hip. "You tried so hard to go to sleep and see me! I didn't get a chance to explain myself very well though. I can only visit your dreams if I make you go to sleep. If you go to sleep on your own then I don't have the connection to follow."

John nodded, as far as crazy troll powers went, that was a pretty logical explaination.

"Are there any other things I need to know?" John asked, he was trying to be polite but his eyes kept finding that silky granite space among the folds of her clothes.

"I can't touch you." The statement pulled him out of his daydreaming abruptly.

"What? We can't touch?"

Vriska shook her head and unfolded her lithe frame to lie along side him, she was taller than him.

"You can touch me, but I can't touch you. I told you, I can't control human minds. If I touch you in a dream, that's me influencing your mind, if you touch me, well, then you're just having a good dream." She smirked. John nodded and gently stroked her cheek with his thumb.

"We haven't gotten to talk in so long."

Serket laughed. "You want to talk? After I got all dressed up for you?"

Egbert leaned forward and left a soft, warm kiss on the troll's lips. "I would like to talk."

He noticed that some of the blue paint on her lips had been transfered to his own and ran his thumb along her lower lip. She darted her livid tongue out and across the pad of his thumb. John shivered as everything went a little bit fuzzy.

"Hey." He chuckled and kissed her again, she wasn't responsive but just by her demeanor he could tell that she wanted to be an active participant.

When John broke the kiss he smiled at her. "I'm not sure if this is a troll compliment or something, either way, don't take it the wrong way... You aren't very soft. It's like your lips put up a fight even when you aren't doing anything."

The trolls skin didn't have give to it, like the thick skin he'd heard tale about brought extra resistance against his weak, squishy advances. Vriska grinned.

"Trolls are very tough."

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Special thanks to The Dark Eccentric for helping me with a problem I had with proper paragraph format (:


	5. A Note From bakestuck

Hello, everyone!

First off I just want to apologize for how long I am taking to write chapte 5, I promise I am still working on it, I'm just a little bit stuck.

Also, I wanted to let all of you know that I have posted the current chapters on ao3 (archiveofourown) under the name delphiniumDreams and that is where subsequent chapters will be posted as well. I apologize for any inconvenience!

If you any questions or just want to contact me you can do so through ao3 or on tumblr where my url is 8akestuck. I hope to hear from you guys! And here's hoping that inspiration will strike and Dirty Thoughts will make a grand comeback


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